dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
