Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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