I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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