I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
