I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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