I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
