i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
