OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
