Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
