I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
