i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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