John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
