well I can't set my house on fire every night
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
