Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
