Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
