probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
