my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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