My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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