I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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