get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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