I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
