Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
