i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
