you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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