I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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