Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
