Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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