my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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