I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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