The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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