her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
