just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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