Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
