i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I will pee on everything he values.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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