Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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