Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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