Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
