girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
