So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
