I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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