I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
