youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
