Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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