I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
