Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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