Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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