By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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