soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
