If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The air was thick with penises
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
