u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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