Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
