god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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